I had it over load I needed to hit the road and be all alone. I left everyone and off I went to block Island to just be with me. I was a mother of 3 children, a wife, a business owner, a daughter, a friend and a human companion of a beautiful yellow lab Bella. I left my two older daughters with their dad and my youngest with her dad and out the door I went with Bella. We headed off for some silence. I needed a break from all my mind chatter we were off to block Island to do some soul-searching. I wish I could say that I had the support of my husband to do this, but I did not. Unfortunately It had appeared that I was running away, in my reality I was stepping out to re connect with myself.
RECAPTURING MY FREE SPIRITED SOUL!
I checked into a peaceful spot on the Island and begin to hike, sleep, eat, pray, journal and self-love. I attempted not to drink any alcohol or abuse any drugs. It was the first time in a long time I felt free from responsibilities. I had time to just think about myself. Complete silence could only last for so long after a day I ventured out. I am a very sociable person and had bumped into some acquaintances who lived on the island. It was in this moment that a miracle occurs and I am freed of 30 year misconceived perception that had changed the course of my life.
Rewinding the clock to when I was 8 years old and I had a difficult year. There was a lot of turmoil going on at home. My mother was mentally ill and was removed from the home in an ambulance. I believed that all the neighbors saw this and had shunned us with judgment . I felt a guilt and shame over her disease on what I thought everyone could see. I believed that I was was the only one who had family problems. I felt different, separate, isolated and alone. Home life was challenging I felt there wasn’t a lot of help for nurturing my 8-year-old needy soul. I remember the arguing and thinking for the first time that killing myself was a solution to get out of this life. It was just a challenging time. My dad was amazing and did the best he could to take care of my mom getting her better with the solution the doctors offered. He provided for the family by owning his own business. My oldest sister was married, my oldest brother was seventeen and my youngest brother was twelve I was eight. He had a full plate we were all doing the best we could. This is my first consciousness of comparing everyone’s external appearance to my happiness. My dad purchased my brother and I three wheel motorcycles. They were awesome and we lived in a great neighborhood for it. It had only been about two weeks since my mom had been removed from the home. The motorcycle was a perfect distraction. I had taken my trike to the little girls house down the street to play. I remember the feeling of the wind in my face as I drove down the street and parked outside there house. FREEDOM!
Kelly and Tammy were so adorable they both were so perfect with the best polly flinder dresses. Their hair was always so perfect their house was always clean. Kelly and Tammy mom was a beautiful and fit, I never saw her smoking or laying on a couch. Their yard was perfection and their dad had a brief case and was a sharp dresser. I stood on the front door of the home wearing my A-Team t-shirt with my motorcycle parked looking like a complete tomboy. I had asked Kelly to come out and play she said she couldn’t. I asked if she could play tomorrow she said no, she couldn’t play any day. I asked why? She told me it was to dangerous at my house, we had a trampoline, a pool, I drove a motorcycle, we had dogs. I drove away crying heart-broken, sad and mad. I was devastated, I knew what the problem was it was none of the things she said. It was because of my mom! My family was the problem. I began to feel guilt and shame for me being me. This was a narrative that I would continue say which was a driving force behind my self hate. This narrative was leading to separation from my authentic self. I wanted to be anyone other than me. Therfore I became a person I thought you wanted me to be and not my true authentic self. I remember making up lies to sound far more interesting than what I actually was. I turned my back on myself, my family and My God.
Returning back to the present June 2011… Im on Block Island on my soul-searching mission. When I was talking to a group if friends suddenly one of the women says “I can’t believe it your Bonnie.. Bonnie ” I said” yes I am”. I focus in on the women a little closer and I realize it Kelly, my old friend from the neighborhood. She is older.. 30 years older to be exact.. same great smile I recognzie her right away. She defiantly was not dressed up as formal she was as a child. Her style was Island attire she worked as a landscaper on the island had been for the past 20 years. That was when she casually informed me ” I always wanted to be you Bonnie” I was taken back.. “You always wanted to be me” I said. “I’m shocked” My whole narrative that had held me captive in anger, guilt, shame and remorse is shattered in seconds. Kelly then proceeds to tell me that her mom was an alcoholic and kept her captive in the home in nice dresses and cleaning the house and wouldn’t let her be free and go out and play. In seconds Kelly liberated me of a 30 year belief and the healing begins. Kelly wanted to be my friend after all, suddenly my inner child heals. She envied the fact that I was able to run around and be free and have fun. Kelly was having the similar experience to that I was having. The mirage was that the grass was greener on the other side of the street. The comparing was not based on actual facts but rather illusions of what we perceived to be as truth. We were incapable to see see all the gifts that we had because we we were blocked by Avidya.
In yoga the root of all suffering is based on Avidya misunderstanding, ignorance of facts was causing a whole lot of suffering.
This reunion was mind-blowing I believe the primary purpose behind my visit on the island. I was beginning to heal from 26 years of grief of over the relationship with my mother. I needed to heal, understand and accept this relationship. This was key to my self-love, self acceptance and over all well-being and happiness. This anger was blocking me off from actually being the mother, friend and wife that God intended me to be. It was amazing how the anger left my body once the experience went though me..I was able to understand that God was had and always will be doing for me what I could not do for myself. I also started to understand It is none of my business what other people think about me. As long as I know Im Good with God its good enough!
Today I challenge you to ask yourself what narrative is holding you back in life from being your true authentic self? When had Avidya ( misunderstanding, ignorance to facts) blocked you off from being your highest and best self?